Serving From Fullness, Not Depletion
Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power. - Lao Tzu
Do you have a process for mastering yourself? Recently a caregiver I virtually met in an online meeting shared that she feels "trapped". She described her life as "stressful and unhappy" between caring for a ninety-four-year-old Mom and three severely anxious adult children living in the same home she shares with her long-time husband. In reaction to her circumstances, she has moved into a solitary room, is considering divorce and is constantly trying to convince her family members to change or move. I empathized as she shared her struggles, having been in many of the same emotionally intense situations she spoke of during my caregiving journey. What she reminded me of is something I've had to learn the hard way myself: no matter how much we care, we cannot change anyone. She is not alone. Many people are facing a similar crushing challenge.
According to Pew Research Center, adults who live with a parent age 65 or older are nearly three times as likely to say they personally provide care for that parent as those living with a younger parent, 23% compared with 8%. Adults in this role are also more likely than the parents themselves to call the living situation stressful, 31% say so all or most of the time, compared with 18% of parents living with an adult child. These people are sandwiched between two generations that are experiencing difficulties resulting from being in two distinct phases of life as well as unique challenges resulting from current trends.
There has always been some natural friction between generations. Societal trends and new inventions influence change on every level. The cellphone is one of those influences that both improves and reduces quality of life across all three generations. If you don't agree, try teaching a controlling parent how to use a cellphone, consider how much time you yourself spend looking at a screen versus connecting with a loved one or try getting a three-year-old to stop watching Blippi.
Family caregivers have a unique and intimate perspective on all this. They have influence on those they care for and are influenced by the moods and behaviors of these individuals regardless of age. On top of that, they carry the weight of whatever is happening in the wider world, for themselves and for the people in their care. The situation is complicated. The friction is real. Caregiving for adults is not for the faint of heart. When you are related to these individuals though, the situation is especially painful. Without a process to manage the personal emotional, physical, mental, and financial toll, overwhelm quickly becomes a familiar state.
Whether they consider themselves leaders or not, family caregivers are in a leadership position. If you have influence over another, you are a leader. As such, leadership can become a heavy burden without a balanced understanding of healthy personal responsibility and clear boundaries. Managing the doing aspects of caregiving is often easier than managing the human side. After all, caregivers are human beings with the same needs that they are focused on providing for others. Sometimes the needs of another person become so large, caregivers get into the habit of overusing their strengths to help. Each day giving away their power and resources until there is nothing left for them. Effectively depleting and undermining their overall wellbeing and increasing resentment. Instead of being helpful, this reflex becomes harmful for everyone involved.
Loving adult family members cannot include a hidden agenda that makes love conditional. Everyone wants unconditional love, but the tough part is that unconditional love requires more than we often wish to give, to others and to ourselves. It is counter-intuitive to consider one's own interests. Often caregivers feel selfish or guilty, and yet developing healthy self-interest is key to being able to provide caregiving that produces healthy adult interactions between generations. To support and cultivate healthy families, we as caregivers must first become the role model for living an empowered, healthy adult life. Serving others from a place of fullness rather than depletion is the only way to sustain this important leadership role over the long haul.
